Too Much Timin'

[Tony Baloni]

Installed my new 5000 octane race chip today an’ took my cah out for a spin. Lemme tell youse Billetheads dis ting is da cat’s pajamas. Den suddenly I noticed sometin’ funny happnin! Come to find out dis chip bumps up da timin’ so much it actually distorts da space-time continuum. So dare I am mindin’ my own beez wax, goin’ back into da past when who should suddenly appeah in my passengah seat but none udder dan Prezident Abe Lincoln! So, I pour us each some drinks and den…Bango! I’m racin’ trew da countryside circa 1865 wit Honest Abe! We’re havin’ a blast, laughin’an’ ole Abe’s gettin’ pretty boiled on my manhattans an’ I’m blowin’ by deez peoples in horses an’ buggies. (Sheesh, I’m still wastin’ mustangs!) Well, aftah a few owahs, Abe is beggin’ me ta let him drive an’ I tell him, "No one drives my cah but me," an’ he’s gettin’ belligerent. I mean da guys tree sheets to da friggin’ wind an’ gettin’ on my nerves. He keeps reachin’ for da steerin’ wheel an’ callin’ me names soez I had to smack him on da head wit dis monkey wrench I had. Well, I musta conked him too hard cause he died. Soez I’m tinkin’ "Geez Louise, Tony, how ya gonna get outta dis one?" Well, tinkin’ quickly I dress up as Missus Lincoln an’ take him into town to dis theater an’ tell everyone Abe had one too many an’ no one really notices I’m not his wife even dough I got dis big thick black mustache an’ I’m obviously wearin sunglasses. Soez I drag him up to dis balcony an’ plop him in dis chair an’ den I scram before da real Missus Lincoln shows up. Well, once I get back to good ole two thousand two I find nobodies da wiser. Tink I better go wit less timin’, more boost…