Neighbors dog issue...

Chuck Leeper

Toxic old bastard
Staff member
May 28, 2001
The NDN got a pitbull. The dog has deposited 9 "deuces" around my back yard. I'm having a problem when mowing, so I got online, and found a govt issued document regarding the problem.

Department of Agriculture Bulletin #265
Notes on the Operation of Rotary Lawn Mowers

Power driven rotary lawn mowers are a great boon to shiftless suburbanites whose lawns are full of dandelions, buckhorn and other weeds too tall for the reel-type or conventional grass cutters. The rotary mower, however, is not an unmixed blessing.

Unseen rocks and sticks, to say nothing of unburied bones, will raise hell with the blades. So will nails, bits of wire, and other metal debris. But these problems pale into insignificance when compared to the unhappy result of running a rotary lawn mower over newly deposited dog shit. Until you have had your shoes shined with pulverized dog shit you cannot appreciate the extent of this problem.

Cat shit, to be sure, smells worse, but cats, as everyone knows, are more careful to cover up their waste than are dogs. Moreover, cats do not shit as much as dogs, unless you have a very small dog and/or a very large cat.

There are a number of approaches to the problem of animal excreta vis-a-vis the rotary lawn mower, but, unfortunately, no real solution. First, of course, you can try to keep dogs (and cats) away from your lawn. The only effective method for doing this is to buy a dog bigger and ornier than any other dog in the neighborhood and train him (a) to chase other dogs off your grass and (b) to shit on the neighbor's yards. There are obvious drawbacks to this method of combating the problem.

Of course there's always the chance that one of your neighbors will hire a cow and train it to deposit cow shit on your lawn. It has been estimated that a rotary lawn mower operating at 3450 RPM can hurl a normal deposit of cow shit as high as your second story windows and over an area of 500 square feet. Building a fence is a possible solution, but expensive. It is, in addition, no good unless you can train your wife and children to keep the gates shut. And, too, some dogs will jump fences, even when full of shit.

There are various commercial preparations, sold mostly to evil-minded old women, which are supposed to discourage dogs from (a) screwing lady dogs on your front stoop, or (b) peeing on your shrubs. These chemicals are useless since it is second nature for dogs to screw and pee, just as it is for most humans. Even if these preparations did not work, of course, they would not solve the basic problem created by the rotary mower. This leaves three other possible solutions, i.e.,

1. Let the goddammed weeds grow.
2. Move into an apartment and use the rotary mower as a window fan.
3. Wear brown shoes when mowing and associate only with people who either do not mind the smell of dog shit or who are too polite to mention it to you.
My neighbor used to let their dogs do their thing in my yard and even urinate against the garage door. One day I pushed the button to open the garage door and only one side tried to go up. The repair man said the reason the cable broke was dogs urinating on it through the crack in the door. They caused the cable/ connector to rust out. Cost me about $250. to get it fixed. I told my neighbor about it and just happened to mention that if I see his dogs near my garage door ....and I made a pistol shape with my hand! Guess what! His dogs stay in his yard!
Lol, we had neighbors that would call the cops saying our dogs crapped in their yard, when our dogs never leave our yard. So I had pictures of at least 10 different dogs in their yard to show the cops each time..Our yard is fenced, theirs is not. Got to the point they kept accusing our dogs I began picking up dog shit and tossing it over the fence into their yard :) They don't live there anymore :D
I hate people that don't look after their dog. Nothing wrong with the dog, they don't know any better. Humans are the problem, should have shot the neighbor ;)
I hate it when PEOPLE poop in my yard.........And then use the mail in my mail box to wipe their ass.:rolleyes: There's just no respect around here.

Bruce '87 Grand National