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NEW RULES for 2006.

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disco stu

Active Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2002
Messages
2,562
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's

a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window

unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human

finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a

dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?



New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their

hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description

for these kids: lucky bastards.



New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball

cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your

idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.



New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men

care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.



New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole

aisle of this crap at the supermarket , but without that watery

taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want

flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your

flavored water.



New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a

redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is

now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his

ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the

Social Security crisis.



New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,

half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra

dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a

huge *******.



New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding

my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid

who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond

Joy.



New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it

doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And

it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything

spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not

spiritual. You're just high.



New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven

deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,

because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned

exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already

doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for

M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.



New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on

crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the

Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.

Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first

place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you

isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.



New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom

attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint

like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's

supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be

on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.



New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know

in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

And I didn't really care in the first place.
 
disco stu said:
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know

in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

And I didn't really care in the first place.
If you ask my mom how old I am, I'm sure she'll reply that I'm 513 months old. ;)
 
disco stu said:
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding

my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid

who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond

Joy.

:D :D :D
 
disco stu said:
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

The people who "found" that finger in their chili planted it there. From what I saw, they are probably going to jail for a few years. Bought the finger off some construction worker who had cut it off by accident, then went to Wendy's and dropped it in.

What idiots.
 
Happened right up the street from me. She just got 9 and he got 13 years if I remember correctly.
 
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