Now this is funny....1977 J.C. Penny catalog

["Turbo-T"]

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. After a bunch of hours spent in The Hottest Attic In The Universe, he had a ceiling fan that ducted to the side of his house.

While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom, because obviously nothing absorbs errant pee like a nice, thick shag:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic. Imagine if you wore them today.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long, for god's sake. And way to pull your pants up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply "relaxing around the house." Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be "relaxing around your cell in D-block." Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden forced you to at gunpoint.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

I'll bet these guys do ok with the ladies. If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his color-coordinated coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit; which, frankly, is a step up.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day:

Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

 

["Turbo-T"]

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penney's:

As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out there are words after all, and those words are What. The. ****. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. I think the little tie must be the pull tab. If you look closely, it says, "In case of chest hair emergency, pull tab quickly and back away."

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, in 1977 it was apparently considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and an appreciative blonde with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that's sexy.

 

[6E-GN]

my parents have all that barrel furniture...now I know where they bought it.

 

["Turbo-T"]

I actually got a chance to go through the rest of the JC Penney's catalog, and there's still some funny **** in there. I know there's no way to duplicate the success of the first entry -- so I'm not even going to try. But I still wanted to share some of the fantastic 1977 goodness with you all.

Let's take a look at childrens' fashions first:

With the black bow tie and the arm just itching for a white linen towel, I can almost guarantee this kid grew up to be a butler or a maître d'. And could that suit be any thicker?

This next kid thinks he looks pretty smooth in his tangerine duds. Who said checks and polka dots don't mix? I also love the fact that he may actually be holding his own missing tooth.

As you can see from his expression, this next kid knows exactly what's going to happen to him if he steps outside his own front door. I mean, he has big bird and cookie monster in his pockets. The haircut alone will most likely get him a beat down, but the outfit and hair combo? You can almost see the thought-bubble over his head that says, "I am so ****ed."

This is the kid they modeled Eric Foreman after on That 70's Show:

I'm not exactly sure what's going on in the photo below. That is one seriously effed-up hat. I believe this whole ensemble is some sort of cookie-selling uniform.

For this next one, I'll let you all make up your own jail-bait jokes:

Here are some of my other favorites from the mens' and womens' sections:

Billy Bob and Dubya look pretty virile:

These next two guys, I'm not so sure about:

I think the white cutoffs are assless.

If you've ever wondered about the inspiration for the Brawny paper towel guy, here you go:

 

["Turbo-T"]

If you really wanted to get ready for sexy time, you'd go to bed wearing one of these bad boys:

The bras weren't very supportive back then:

Removed Bra - Google violation


I love how the name is "Comfort Hours." Does anything at all about that look comfortable to you? I am pretty sure it could deflect bullets.

These night gowns aren't too bad, except for Crazy Sally over there on the left who will obviously stab you to death while you sleep:

I have giant novelty sunglasses smaller than those.

Small children could hide inside her bell bottoms.

 

["Turbo-T"]

Before I show you some neato 1977 electronics, I just want to share these two living room sets with you:

So if you'd like to turn your living room into the waiting room of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman or some sort of moon-bounce/opium den, JC Penney has you covered.

Ground-breaking Electronics

Let's take a quick look at their Finest Stereo System:

Ah, 8-track tape. Who doesn't love hearing their favorite songs interrupted by a fade-out, a loud KA-CHUNK, and a fade in? And after paying almost 300 bucks for this 'quality' audio equipment, you'd still end up needing to jam something on one side of the tape after a while so it didn't sound like the music was being played in slow motion underwater.

By '77, the video game PONG had been out for a few years. There were a half-dozen clones of it for sale, and JC Penney wanted a piece of the hot video game action. They called it 'tv fun' and claimed it never lost its challenge. Also, it was 4 games in one:

The games were Pong, Doubles Pong, Only-Child Pong, and Handball. I imagine it lost its challenge pretty quickly.

I guess the late 70's CB radio craze was responsible for this monstrosity:

With that clamped to your handlebars, you probably couldn't see the road. Not to mention the fact that the first time you crashed your bike you were almost guaranteed to be pulling a whip antenna out of your ruined eye socket.

I still remember when I got my first one of these:

Due to the wonders of modern science, you now needed both hands to tell the time at night instead of just one. Nobody gave a **** that they were massively inconvenient. Seriously. It was like magic on your wrist. Remember the first time you saw an iPhone? Yeah. Like that.

Keeping in Shape in 1977

How did people melt away fat 33 years ago? The same way they do now. By purchasing home gym equipment that they hang their laundry on, and drinking Slim Fast.

No, I kid. They did it with these fantastical implements of torture:

Yes, it's the old vibrating belt machine. The big improvement here over the model they had in the 50's? TWO belts. That's some serious ****ing innovation right there.

This interesting looking thing is called a roller massager:

I really have no idea what this would do for you besides leave welts on your fat. She looks pretty intrigued sitting on it though. It's probably better than the washing machine on spin cycle.

For only 300 bucks you could have your own personal sauna:

Remember, one beep means yes and two means no. And don't be surprised when the pulsing ass-heads from Talos IV show up.

This next contraption?

I have no idea what it is, but I'm getting one for the bedroom.

 

[chopped39]

Thanks. I am wiping the Dr Pepper of the monitor as Im typing with one finger.
That little blonde kid looks like Ricky Schroeder.
My sister had that pit furniture in brown along with her green shag carpeting

 

[PLAINWHITE T]

Holy Cow...this is hilarious! I think this is the only time I've got my wife to look at TB.com with any sort of real interest. We're both laughing so hard that we've got tears in our eyes! Your comments are priceless!!! Thanks for the laughs.

 

[novaderrik]

if anyone still made paper catalogs today, we could look at them 30 years from now and laugh.
trends come and go.. then come around again.. i bet that right now there is some 30 year old hipster d-bag looking at those clothes and furniture and trying to figure out how to get that stuff to show just how witty and ironic he is..

 

[ILikeSix]

Ricky Schroeder for sure. That kid can drive, I've seen him trounce the competion at Long Beach GP and such. All the cool kids wear Cookie Monster even 30+ years later

 

[1980monteturbo]

I think I pulled a rib muscle from laughing so hard.

 

[gsgns4me]

I can't believe you haven't checked out the automotive and mini-bike/go-cart section of the catalog.

 

[INEEDAGN]

O M F***in' G.

Greatest thread on here.

 

[1QWIK6]

I'm laughing so hard.. it hurts!

BEST THREAD EVER!!!
:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

 

[salvageV6]

I wore that plaid jacket in my High School yearbook picture but it was the 1973 version.

I thought I looked okay... :biggrin:

Most of the female models are pretty good looking, just too many clothes.

How about posting the halter top section?

I seem to remember a lot more braless fashions from the good old days.

Much better than your average thread around here.

 

[kidsixpack]

Thanks. I am wiping the Dr Pepper of the monitor as Im typing with one finger.
That little blonde kid looks like Ricky Schroeder.
My sister had that pit furniture in brown along with her green shag carpeting

Your right that is pretty good stuff and I think it may be Ricky S.
KID

 

[Rodney87GN]

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

Jeezus wearing that will even get your ass kicked in a gay bar, LMAO.

Awesome thread!:biggrin:

 

[Nasty Wendy]

I remember THAT catalog well. I was a 6 year old kid and I dreamt of all the stuff in the toy section. The catalog that came out for Christmas was the shidt....to a six year old kid. Thanks for the laugh and memories.

 

[rmar]

And at 12 the bra and panty section had it's uses also........:biggrin::biggrin:

 

["Turbo-T"]

Glad you fellas are enjoying these...figured they'd get a few rolling in laughter....I will admit now I take ZERO credit for any of the captions though...I didn't write them, I actually found them....but still funny as hell reading them along with the pics.