The Joke Thread, Post Your Jokes Here...

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time --- but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Why did Hilter kill himself?
He got his gas bill!

As a little black boy rolled off the back of a zebra he said:
"Now you see me, now you don't...."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A koala is sitting up a gum tree... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... how much
water did you drink?!!"
I saw this one on Yahoo this morning:


Who's there?

Control freak, now you reply "Control freak, who?"
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people - balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink
from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks
it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass.
She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs
that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!

Gotta love those Florida girls!
these are for the math guys...
"Life without geometry has no point!"
"You're a 3rd derivative of position (da/dt)!" (Which is called jerk)
Oh yeah! How's that for lame? :D
here's a your mama joke :biggrin:

your mama is so dumb, she gave me a blow job cause i told her it would help with my unemployment. :biggrin:

your mama so fat, her high school picture was an ariel photograph. :eek: :biggrin:

your mama so dumb, it took her 2 days to watch 48hrs :eek:
how do you stop 5 black guys from rapping a white woman?...
....toss them a basketball, :eek: :biggrin:

a blonde was driving by the country side when she spots another blonde in the middle of a huge field, rowing an imaginary boat :eek: , well the blonde that was driving got out of her car and told her " it's blonde's like you that give us a bad name, your lucky i can't swim otherwise i would be kicking your a$$. :biggrin:
a mother duck and a baby duck are about to cross the road with a mother skunk and a baby they cross the mother duck and mother skunk are killed,,so the two babys start heading off into the woods when,, the baby duck starts crying,baby skunk says whats wrong the baby duck replyed idon't know what a am,my mom was going to tell me after we crossed the road and now i'll never now what i am, baby skunk says well thats easy you walk like a duck and quack like a duck so you are a duck, awhile later the baby skunk starts crying and says i don't know what i am my mom was going to tell me when we made it across the road, the baby duck sat there looking at his new freind and said you helped me so i'm sure i can do the same, the baby duck thinks a bit and says well your black and white and you stink so you must be a mexican
Here you go Nelson...

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming, too...

I want to see how you live on $800 a year". :cool:
weekend outing

This outdoors type guy gives his wife 3 choices for the upcoming weekend:

A) go camping/hunting
B) go boating/fishing
C) stay home if she gives him BJ

He gets no reply so he starts packing up the truck. When he comes back in she said she has decided & would take option C. She started to fullfill option C & said you smell like a dog. His reply was the dog choose option C also! :D

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
What do you call a couple of old black fellows leaning on a barn wall?

Antique farm equipment!

And about the math jokes, why is it called jerk? I have not heard that before. Is it that the change in acceleration is the force we feel in our cars (a jerking feeling)?
Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

A woman doesnt accept a 3 1/2" floppy!!! hhahaha.
what did the black kid get on his S.A.T. exam ?...........BAR-BE-Q SAUCE. teacher told this black kid: make up a sentence using the word "before" , 2 plus 2 before, teacher told this black kid: make up a sentence using the word "omelet"............ you pi$$ed me off but omelet this slide by. :biggrin:
12lbChevelle said:
And about the math jokes, why is it called jerk? I have not heard that before. Is it that the change in acceleration is the force we feel in our cars (a jerking feeling)?