The Joke Thread, Post Your Jokes Here...

So any function, huh? Not just for position? I havent started my physics w/calc, is that where I would hear this term used?
Why Parents Drink...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his Bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,

Propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really Hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with The other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

What is the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?

-OJ got to walk and Reeves got the electric chair.

What's brown and sticky?

Listen Zeus87GN..........I don't know why and my family doesn't understand.....but I just start cracking up everytime I think about that koala bear/little lizard joke.....I can't explain why lol
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken......BOOOOOOO had to do it.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

(You MUST read them out loud.)

English --------------------------------Chinese
That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP.....................................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man........................................Dum Fuk
Small Horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?.....................Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table.................Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...........................Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet................Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone......................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week..Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight............................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great...............................................Fa Kin Su Pa
What does a blonde an a computer have in common?

You don't appreciate either on till they go down on you.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Listen Zeus87GN..........I don't know why and my family doesn't understand.....but I just start cracking up everytime I think about that koala bear/little lizard joke.....I can't explain why lol

Yea, I wouldn't want to explain that one to the kids...even if you did have one of those expanding toys that you put in water.

Glad to know someone got a kick out of it.

Ok, here's the next one...


The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pisses all over the IRS auditor.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official and that you'd be happy about it."
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first? "

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
dark bedroom

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for
20 years. Every time they made love the husband
always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of
this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a
wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... a
vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She
went completely ballistic.

"You impotent ba$tard," She screamed
at him, "How could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
A game warden in Virginia is scouting along the West Virginia line when he comes across a fox caught in a steel trap. He quickly runs back to the ranger station and calls the West Virginain game warden and says hey I just found one of your foxes caught in a steel trap. The West Virginain warden replys how can you be sure its one of our foxes? The Virginian warden replys "Well he's already chewed three legs of and he still caught in the trap.
couldn't resist...

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."
ski trip...

One day Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently 'widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light,"

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.