Any divorced dads?

[streetknight]

Sorry to bring this up here, but I could use some advice.

I've been divorced for 10 months and have an 11 year old step son (married his mom when he was 3) and a 6 year old son. Adjusting to not seeing my kids everyday has been hard. I've spent 4 times what I'm supposed to on child support every month since the divorce while she's went and blown her money. My logic was I didn't want the kids lives to change anymore than they had too. She couldn't afford to stay in the house we were in. So I paid that and pretty much everything else while she's been partying and spending her money.

Been trying to ween her off the last few months, but she lost her job, so I kept paying. I've been noticing her acting different lately, didn't think much about it. My 6 year old called me last week and wanted to know what I wanted for Fathers Day. I told him I needed some socks, cause I know they don't have a lot of money. He comes over for his weekend and tells me that mommy wouldn't take him to Wal Mart to get my socks, so I had to take him.


I decide enough is enough and I'm gonna start by going and picking up the new car she's been driving that's in my name and I've been paying for. She has a perfectly good mini van with 50K on the clock, but she doesn't like to drive it. Well it's paid for so she can. I've got to sell the other one, to save some $'s.

Then I find out she has her a new boyfriend that she hasn't mentioned (cause she thought I would cut off the $'s) Well he's 15 years older than her. So, he's looking for some younger ass and she's looking for a sugar daddy. Ordinarily this would not bother me, BUT she's been seeing this guy for a month (at least that's what she said) and she's already bringing him around my kids.

I've already been told this dude is a player. He'll bang her for a while and move on and my kids are in the middle again.

I'm just very upset over this and think she's completely in the wrong, but if I keep paying her bills it'll never end for me. Hell, I'm 34 and had to move back in with my parents, because I can't afford a place because of paying for hers.

Anybody else "been there" ?

Thanks for listening

 

[Reggie West]

You are not alone.

My best advice for you is this. Stop paying her what you dont owe her and get your self set up for the sake of your kids.

Take the car back too. She is on her own.

Women do stupid sh*t but dont let her actions affect you. Take care of the kids the best you can on your time and if they need things you go buy it for them and let them take back to their moms house.

There is an upside to your situation. If you get a place to live and she keeps screwing up you can get the kids to live with you. Yes the courts will do it if its better for them.

Make damn sure you pay the support through child support services. Do not give her money directly. There are no arguments to be had when you do this it protects you and she cant go back and say she is not getting the money.

Good luck and dont get depressed.

You are by no means alone in this situation.

 

[SIXBANGR]

I had this happen to me 30 years ago. Only she had 3 boy friends that I found out about. One was twice her age and one was my boss. She married the 3rd one 6 weeks after the divorce. That didn't last.
My daughter is now a 37 year old mother of 2. The ex died last year at 53. It will get better with time.Good luck

 

[Junior Samples]

You are not alone.

My best advice for you is this. Stop paying her what you dont owe her and get your self set up for the sake of your kids.

Take the car back too. She is on her own.

Women do stupid sh*t but dont let her actions affect you. Take care of the kids the best you can on your time and if they need things you go buy it for them and let them take back to their moms house.

There is an upside to your situation. If you get a place to live and she keeps screwing up you can get the kids to live with you. Yes the courts will do it if its better for them.

Make damn sure you pay the support through child support services. Do not give her money directly. There are no arguments to be had when you do this it protects you and she cant go back and say she is not getting the money.

Good luck and dont get depressed.

You are by no means alone in this situation.

That pretty much sums it up, Pay only what the court decides, cant do anything about what bums she brings home.

Good luck

 

[Ms. FastNasty]

That pretty much sums it up, Pay only what the court decides, cant do anything about what bums she brings home.

Good luck

x2. I wouldn't pay her a dime over what the court says you have to. Depending on how your state does things, it can be difficult for a father to get sole custody. In my state, it takes the mother being a cracked out unfit parent and the father paying thousands in legal fees.
Another thing...DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Every phone call, visit, etc. If you decide to go for custody, having these records will work in your favor.
I agree too, that you should get them their own stuff for when they are with you, it makes it so much easier. My ex and I have a five year old together. Austin has toys and clothes at his dads, and he has the same here. It keeps the child support he pays to a minimum since we both really provide for our son's basic needs.
Good luck, and it does get easier, I promise!

 

[DJ Red Barron]

You are not alone.

My best advice for you is this. Stop paying her what you dont owe her and get your self set up for the sake of your kids.

Take the car back too. She is on her own.

Women do stupid sh*t but dont let her actions affect you. Take care of the kids the best you can on your time and if they need things you go buy it for them and let them take back to their moms house.

There is an upside to your situation. If you get a place to live and she keeps screwing up you can get the kids to live with you. Yes the courts will do it if its better for them.

Make damn sure you pay the support through child support services. Do not give her money directly. There are no arguments to be had when you do this it protects you and she cant go back and say she is not getting the money.

Good luck and dont get depressed.

You are by no means alone in this situation.

+1 on everything this man posted.

 

[chadly]

I’m not divorced but I watched my brother get screwed by the courts. I would not pay her anything more than what you have to and I would pick up the car at once. If your ex cared half as much as you do about the kids she would not be setting the example she is. Stay strong and be the father your children need.

 

[malibuick231]

x2. I wouldn't pay her a dime over what the court says you have to. Depending on how your state does things, it can be difficult for a father to get sole custody. In my state, it takes the mother being a cracked out unfit parent and the father paying thousands in legal fees.
Another thing...DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Every phone call, visit, etc. If you decide to go for custody, having these records will work in your favor.
I agree too, that you should get them their own stuff for when they are with you, it makes it so much easier. My ex and I have a five year old together. Austin has toys and clothes at his dads, and he has the same here. It keeps the child support he pays to a minimum since we both really provide for our son's basic needs.
Good luck, and it does get easier, I promise!

Do as she said and keep a log of every thing that goes on date, time, and what was said or happened. I dont know about GA but in AL she would not be allowed to have any one stay over night unless they are blood related keep this in your log book as she sounds like one that would do this. Only pay what the court says you have to and never pay any thing with cash. You have to stand up for your self or it will never end I know this from my own exsperiance. Good Luck

 

[BILL HAINES]

I Live This Also

This Sounds Familiar. My Friend, Get Some Help For Yourself. Find A Local Church That Can Give You Some"godly" Counsel. Healing From This Will Take Some Time(few Years). Do Not Listen What Some May Say And Start A New Relationship,it Will Just Prolong Healing..next....love Your Kids!!!!!!!!try To Keep Them From Harm,this Means "trash Talk,fighting,keeping Score Etc...remember....this Is Not About You,it Is About Her And Her Poor Decisions.please Remember, This Will Pass,it Will Get Better But Time Will Heal. Get A Good"female" Attorney...protect Yourself And What You Have,but Remember,"people Are More Important Than Things",i Guess What I'm Tring To Say The Things We Have Or Own Are Not As Important As Our Health And Well-being. Get Through This Alive!!! If I Had A Year Or So To Tell You My Story I Would,but I Can't Type Very Well..i Lost Everything,was Put In Debt,kids Taken,called Abusive Etc. Never Mentioned My X Was Playing With Her Boss....my Children And I Suffered Through Much Pain..since Then God Has Been Very Good To Me.. I Did Get My Life Right With The Lord,one Of The Best Decisions I Made!!!!hold On My Friend, And I'll Pray God Will Help You Through........

 

[hp3445]

Check with the family court laws and rules in your state. Every state and even each county family court is different. If she gets acustomed to what you pay her each month.. you will have a hard time changing it once the courts get involved. so if I were you, I would seek an attorney to check into a child support payment schedule for your salary and also how many overnight stays the kids will stay with you. Overnight stays per month do help in the payments.. I would try to have them overnight at least 8-10 times a month.. It makes a big difference in NJ... Try not to share an apartment or house with your best buddy because he wont be so understanding everytimes your kids spend the night and the court will look at you weird if you share an apartment with a bachelor partying buddy...
Try and provide a separate room for the kids.. and if they are opposite genders you have to get them separate rooms.. Put the alcohol and guns out of the reach and view of the kids.. so there will be a nice clean environment for them. ( it all comes out in court). so just be prepared for it... Cheaper to keep her... lol....
The more you make the more they take.. lol so just be prepared. If you show that you are paying by check then you will be okay.. otherwise she will tell the court that you don't pay or you only pay so much... and without proper cancelled checks... you can run into problems.. also put on the check that it's for child support or for paying the car or paying for whatever... this way when she signs the check she knows what the money was slotted for and their cannot be any mistakes..

After a while the kids will see who the better parents is .. don't bad mouth her infront of them either.. that always gets back one way or another.. trust me.. just hang in their... I know it will be tough..
I haven't owned a new car since 1999... so I still own a 1988 mustang gt (600+ HP) and a 1986 buick regal w/ BBC and soon to be a 8-71 on top..

So things happen for a reason.. my kids are happy and so am I...

 

[TURBO 6]

Streetknight, I have no idea was caused your divorce, but if you're a married man with kids that's thinking about cheating, this could be the result. This is a living hell. I feel for you man.

 

[BadAssGN]

You are not alone.

My ex had a new guy before I left....

Don't Lose Focus of What you are doing.

That is everything you can to help your Kids through this.

I can't Stress this enough.

Never Ever Bash your Ex (Verbally but don't hit her either)
In front of the kids. She is their Mom and No matter how much of a Douche she is Keep it to yourself around the Kids and be Positive. This will Help Lots later on.

What ever you feel about your Ex will pass, Time will heal it. Don't Fret about the Boyfriends. not much sense arguing about it with her. Trust me.

Just Document Everything and I mean everything.

another piece of advice, if you ever decide to persue custody of your Kids
Always bring someone with you when you get the Kids. never be near her without a witness.
A Trick they will pull if you take them to court is calling the cops and telling them you hit her even if you didn't.

Cover your Ass.

Good Luck

Been there Done that....

 

[turbojimmy]

Some good advice here. I need to tuck it away in my head. I'm going through the same thing right now. I'm moving out the end of July, we're all lawyered up, and the "For Sale" sign is going out front today. This after 20 years together.

She's gonna get the kids - no way around it. I just hope she grows up a little between now and the end of July.....

Jim

 

[BadAssGN]

I just hope she grows up a little between now and the end of July.....

Jim

Yeah, Good luck with that.

Women are Strang Creatures

 

[streetknight]

Well I want to thank all of you very much for your encouraging words. I got the ball rolling and had a lot transpire yesterday.

I went and picked the car up which she agreed to with no problem, she knows I can't afford to keep paying it. We talked for a long time and keep in mind we've never had a problem since we've been divorced when it comes to dealing with the kids, however I was paying everything.

I asked her if there would be problems now and she said if I lost my job tomorrow, I'm still their father and nothing would change on the way I can get my kids pretty much when I want.

I also asked for a meet with the new man since she's already brought him around the kids, I figure I'm owed to know who's around them. He's actually a pretty nice guy or at least he put on a good show if he's not. He seemed honest and we just jumped in his car and drove around talking for about an hour so she wasn't around to influence anything we said. He has 4 kids of his own and his ex has a boyfriend too, so he knows what I'm going thru. I politely asked him that if he wasn't serious about her to please limit his time around the children. He seems real respectful and to have a lot of character. Time will tell. He said he doesn't do the sleep over thing (even though as mentioned in my state it's not legal)

All in all it went pretty well. I walked away feeling better and finally ate some food for the first time in 3 days. I can do nothing now but hope for the best and be there for my children.

Thanks again to all of you. You've helped me more than you know.

On a lighter note, my power logger just came in, so I think I might try and get it installed and go beat on the TR at the track this weekend. :biggrin:

 

[Reggie West]

Glad to hear it.

It will get better.

Good luck

 

[turbojimmy]

Well I want to thank all of you very much for your encouraging words. I got the ball rolling and had a lot transpire yesterday.

I went and picked the car up which she agreed to with no problem, she knows I can't afford to keep paying it. We talked for a long time and keep in mind we've never had a problem since we've been divorced when it comes to dealing with the kids, however I was paying everything.

I asked her if there would be problems now and she said if I lost my job tomorrow, I'm still their father and nothing would change on the way I can get my kids pretty much when I want.

I also asked for a meet with the new man since she's already brought him around the kids, I figure I'm owed to know who's around them. He's actually a pretty nice guy or at least he put on a good show if he's not. He seemed honest and we just jumped in his car and drove around talking for about an hour so she wasn't around to influence anything we said. He has 4 kids of his own and his ex has a boyfriend too, so he knows what I'm going thru. I politely asked him that if he wasn't serious about her to please limit his time around the children. He seems real respectful and to have a lot of character. Time will tell. He said he doesn't do the sleep over thing (even though as mentioned in my state it's not legal)

All in all it went pretty well. I walked away feeling better and finally ate some food for the first time in 3 days. I can do nothing now but hope for the best and be there for my children.

Thanks again to all of you. You've helped me more than you know.

On a lighter note, my power logger just came in, so I think I might try and get it installed and go beat on the TR at the track this weekend. :biggrin:

Man that's some heavy stuff. I dunno if I could do it, but I'm still sort of in the middle of my situation. But that's the way it goes. I'm currently the other guy in someone else's failed marriage, and I know my wife is seeing someone else as the result of our failed marriage. It's messy but will sort itself out. Just can't wait until the lawyers sort it out. In the meantime I just try to be the best dad ever - it's what's important now.

Good luck.....

Jim

 

[BadAssGN]

In the meantime I just try to be the best dad ever - it's what's important now.

Good luck.....

Jim

Bingo....

This is a very Difficult time for your kids. they can't understand what is going on.

They will blame themselves for the breakup.
Make sure you reinforce that this is Not their Fault.

Good Luck guys, It will get easier