I wrote a book, heres an excerpt, let me know what ya think

[boostin]

This is the off topic forum, right?




Here is an excerpt. I wrote 33000 words over spring break (only 60 pages) while on a road trip.

The soldier, taken aback, said, “One minute, sir.” He got on his radio and spoke quietly, then gestured to his right.

“You can use this room,” he said. He pulled a key card from his pocket and swiped it through a card reader. The door unlocked, and Stephen opened the door and walked in to the drab room, probably a break room, with a Formica table and some folding chairs in the middle of it. Stephen sat down in the chair and the Ashmans did the same.
“What's wrong?” repeated Luisa.
Stephen paused to maintain his composure.
“Last night, Natalie and my parents went to dinner. I was late to join them when the car they were in blew up. Right in front of me. They're all dead.”
Luisa started sobbing and leaned in to Fred, who put his arm around her. Fred was crying as well.
“It happened quickly.” Fred made a statement, not a question.
For the first time since Natalie and his parents died, Stephen broke into tears. All of the emotions he had been holding in during the course of the day came out at once.
“Who-who did it?” sobbed Luisa.
“The trigger men are dead. I shot them myself. I don't know who ordered them to do it, but you can sure as hell bet that I'm going to find out.”
“You were the target,” said Fred.
“That's the consensus.”
Nobody spoke for a while.
“You two need to keep your heads down. I don't work at the Agency any more. I had a falling out with Director Cunningham. If you guys need anything-”
“Don't worry about us. You lost more than we did,” said Fred.
“I'm going to make some calls. I have some nagging suspicions.”
“Go ahead. We'll stay here until we're ready to leave.”
“Here's my card. You can come by my house tonight if you'd like. Do you have furniture in your house?”
“Yes, we do. Thank you.”
“Give me a call.” Stephen walked out of the room. He spoke to the National Guardsman again.
“Sergeant?”
“Yes, sir?”
“The man and woman in there just found out that their daughter was murdered. Please give them whatever time they need to regain their composure.”
“Yes, sir,” said the guard, again taken aback, “but you knew her, didn't you?”
“Who?”
“The girl that died.”
Stephen paused. “She was my girlfriend.” He walked away.

When he returned to his house, he showered and put on loose fitting clothes. He walked to the living room and checked his answering machine - he had eight messages. He hit “play.”
“Hey you. This is your girlfriend. The English one. We're waiting for you at the restaurant! We're going to order! Come on, Stephen. I love you. Bye.”
Stephen played the message twelve times before saving it and moving on to the next one.
“Hey, Stephen! This is Luisa. We'll be arriving at Dulles-” Stephen deleted the message.

 

[Quick6'n'-K.C.]

too off the wall-
needs more substance- there nothing leading to the point-

work on building up to the climax and it will make a better short story

 

[Turbo__Tim]

I don't agree. This is not a short story, it is an just a section of what could be a great action adventure. As such, it can meander along at an easy pace. As a matter of fact, the piece is not 'wordy', and the scenes are fast paced, as the reader is given a lot of information to absorb in a short period of time. Not saying this is bad since information needs to be absorbed by the reader in order fot the tale to have mystery, and continuity.

Since reader needs to be rewarded for taking the time to absord this information, after such a session it is good to pull the reader back into the story by trying to make him feel like he is there.

For example:


When he returned to his house, he showered and put on loose fitting clothes. He walked to the living room and checked his answering machine - he had eight messages.

Ok, pull me in here. Tell me he put on faded blue jeans, and a loose fitting t-shirt. Have him walk 'briskly' into the living room. Give me a hint as to what he is feeling, what is his current state of mind? A brisk walk is fiesty, a slow deliberate walk walk may mean he is planning something. And how about some color in the scene? Red is symbolic of blood, so how about a red 8 blinking relentsley (or wearily?)on the answering machine. Now you have planted an image in my mind, and I am there.


He hit “play.”
“Hey you. This is your girlfriend. The English one. We're waiting for you at the restaurant! We're going to order! Come on, Stephen. I love you. Bye.”

Good! Right to the point!!


Stephen played the message twelve times before saving it and moving on to the next one.

Bad! here is a chance to make me feel the pain that he must be feeling. He is the main character, and I want to identify with him. He thinks of old times with her, how shew looked then, the sound of her laughter, that funny way her nose crinkled up when she tasted something sour. Pull me in!! Give the moment the time it deserves. This is a powerfull moment, so milk it! He sits in the dark, playing the tape over and over the sweet pain gradually dulled by glasses of Jim Beam. He has a crutch (alcohol) a very human trait, and one that readers can identify with. Let him wipe away a tear, but have him do it impatiently so I know he is fighting, and not wallowing in self pity. (he is a hero, so as well as being human, we want him to have noble traits). Like briskly, impatiently is one word that can say much!

Say what needs to be said, (or hinted at) but use power words like this to convey meaning. Let the reader make the interpretation, and form his opinion from what he 'sees'.

Involve all the senses. I want to see the dark brown burbon, feel the warmth of the brew, taste the icy mixture he is drinking, and hear the ice melting in the glass in the darkness of the room. I want to feel the shiver of fear that comes over him, when he realizes what he must do next, and experience his stinging hangover in the morning.


“Hey, Stephen! This is Luisa. We'll be arriving at Dulles-” Stephen deleted the message.

OK, how long are you going to keep me here at the answering machine? Am I going to have to hear 7 messages, one at a time, that have nothing to do with the plot? Perhaps you will spare me by saying "Steven went through the messages, deleting the usual bill collectors, sales people, and hang-ups, until he heard a vaguely familar voice asking to meet him at a cross town hang-out." I am talking about economy of words here. Put something meaningfull in every sentence. Like the use of 'briskly', and 'impatiently' above, sometimes it only takes one word to take an empty sentence to one conveying substance.

One mistake I see is people using 10 words to say what could have been said in 5. I didn't see any evidence of that, but try to avoid this common mistake. Every story has a pace, however, and going back and elliminating all the words that aren't needed doesn't always work well.

Writers research areas that they will be writing about. If you have a scene in Norway, it would be good know what the buildings look like, how the food is prepared, and any other tidbits that the reader will find interesting. Work this information in a little bit at a time so it blends in with your story.

I'm not a writer, just an occasional reader. I have come to realize that readers are not the interested in what you have to say unless you fulfill their many needs. Doing this requires not just stating what happens, but getting to the core of the matter. You plant images, knowlege, and mystery in their minds, and hope they find this satisfying enough to turn the page. It's not easy, but if you are dedicated enough, it can happen.


BTW I hope you found this interesting...

 

[boostin]

I definitely did. Thanks a bunch for taking the time. Yes, I definitely plan to expand on what I wrote, but (excuse time, lol) I wrote it on my TI-92 Plus calculator while on spring break so typing with keys 1/4 the size of my fingernail gets tiring, I sometimes just wrote a summary of what I wanted to say. You made some really good points there.

If you'd like I can send you all 59 pages (33000 words) that I wrote. I'd like to know what you think.

I spent 6 hours last night getting the formatting correct - it changed all the parentheses into question marks when going from calculator to computer, what a nightmare. I had 2800 parentheses to change and couldn't use the replace feature since I didn't want to change the actual question marks.