funny phrases got any ?
- Thread starter RIFF RAFF
- Start date
three turbos
NUNLKME
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2010
quote
Here ya go oilman since you liked the last one I posted,an old timer I used to work with used to always say (and i use this at work often)"I have been doing so much, with so little, for so long,I can do anything with nothing"
Here ya go oilman since you liked the last one I posted,an old timer I used to work with used to always say (and i use this at work often)"I have been doing so much, with so little, for so long,I can do anything with nothing"
three turbos
NUNLKME
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2010
quote
Exactly!!! Heres another a buddy and I were sitting in a bar when he was eye balling this little kitty, I informed him that someone had already beat him to that cherry,he replied thats fine he did not want the cherry he just wanted to lick the box it came from!
Exactly!!! Heres another a buddy and I were sitting in a bar when he was eye balling this little kitty, I informed him that someone had already beat him to that cherry,he replied thats fine he did not want the cherry he just wanted to lick the box it came from!
corsair231
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2005
"She was so hot I would crawl through two miles of sewer pipe just to eat the peanuts out of her sh_t."
"Hotter than a two dic_ed billy goat"
"Colder than a Nun's c_nt doing squat thrust on a fire hydrant in the middle of a Montanna blizzard"
"Slicker than snot on a door knob"
"Dumber than a box of rocks"
"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose"
"You are so dumb that if your brain was on the edge of a razor blade it would be like a bb rolling down a four lane highway"
"Hotter than a two dic_ed billy goat"
"Colder than a Nun's c_nt doing squat thrust on a fire hydrant in the middle of a Montanna blizzard"
"Slicker than snot on a door knob"
"Dumber than a box of rocks"
"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose"
"You are so dumb that if your brain was on the edge of a razor blade it would be like a bb rolling down a four lane highway"
Turbo Indian
worlds quickest 6cyl bird
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2003
slicker than shi* on a boar hogs tit.
Turbo Indian
worlds quickest 6cyl bird
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2003
myth busters busted that one.
Here we go:
It's hotter than a wh@re on dollar day!!
It's colder than a wh@res heart!!
I swear she has sailboat fuel for brains!!!!
If at first you dont succeed, hide all the evidence that you even tried!!
She has given more rides than a greyhound bus!!
Give me some of that pus&y, I know you've got it on ya!!
Wanna go 50/50 on an orgasm?
You may think I was born yesterday, But I satyed up all night!!!!
It's hotter than a wh@re on dollar day!!
It's colder than a wh@res heart!!
I swear she has sailboat fuel for brains!!!!
If at first you dont succeed, hide all the evidence that you even tried!!
She has given more rides than a greyhound bus!!
Give me some of that pus&y, I know you've got it on ya!!
Wanna go 50/50 on an orgasm?
You may think I was born yesterday, But I satyed up all night!!!!
87GN.Rickie
SLOW MEMBER
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2007
Ol'girl was tougher than woodpecker lips!!
OK, let's not forget the one-liners from Rodney Dangerfield:
* I've got to do something about my weight, I mean everytime I eat at McDonald's I sit outside and watch the sign change.
* I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
* I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
* When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
* Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
* With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
* Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
* I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
* One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
* I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
* My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
* When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
* I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
* My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
* My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
* Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
* When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
* I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
* This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
* My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
* Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
* A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
* A hooker once told me she had a headache.
* I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
* I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
* I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
* I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
* I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
* I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
* I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
* During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
* The day I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "We did what we could, but he pulled through anyway!"
* I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
* My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
* I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
* And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
* I've got to do something about my weight, I mean everytime I eat at McDonald's I sit outside and watch the sign change.
* I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
* I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
* When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
* Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
* With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
* Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
* I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
* One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
* I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
* My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
* When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
* I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
* My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
* My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
* Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
* When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
* I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
* This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
* My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
* Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
* A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
* A hooker once told me she had a headache.
* I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
* I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
* I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
* I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
* I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
* I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
* I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
* During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
* The day I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "We did what we could, but he pulled through anyway!"
* I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
* My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
* I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
* And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
More Rodney:
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I have three kids, one of each.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning....put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I have three kids, one of each.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning....put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
Dennis Kirban
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2009
Caught this on a bumper sticker the other day:
"I miss my Ex.....but my aim is improving"
denniskirban@yahoo.com
"I miss my Ex.....but my aim is improving"
denniskirban@yahoo.com
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