Lighten up people. And add your favorite

[buickruss]

These two have been around awhile but I never get tired of them

Three elderly gentlemen were discussing the facts of growing old one day sipping their beer at the local pub.
The 70 year old stated...
"I wake up at 7.30 and stand there straining until I am blue in the face, and all I get is a sad little trickle"
The 80 year old replied...
"I wake up at 8.00 and sit down, strain, grunt, force, until tears are running down my face for very little result"
The 90 year old sad sadly...
"At 7.00 I pee like a horse, and at 8.00 I take a dump that would make an elephant proud."
Whats wrong with that said the 80 year old.
The reply was....
"I don't wake up until 9.00"

Well OK then. How about this one

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.




Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

 

[imjoesnuffy]

A friend emailed this one to me a few days ago. Worth sharing.

When is drunk TOO drunk?

Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.' So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says, Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But diss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'

'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

 

[groumoutis]

A man walks into a catholic church and goes to the confessional. After confessing his sins he starts to leave and the priest asked him for a favor. The priest needed to use the restroom really badly and wanted the man to run the confessional. The man reluctantly agrees. He takes a seat and next thing he knows a woman sits down and confesses to giving oral sex. He didn't know what to tell her and tries to stall a few minutes for the priest to return. He opens his door to see if the priest was on his way back but only sees an alter boy. He decides to ask the alter boy what the priest normally gives for oral sex and the alter boy replies "a Coke and candy bar usually."


The bad part of this joke is that I told this joke to my Father in Laws uncle the first time I met him. He is a preacher!!!! Nobody had warned me. Oops!

 

[buickruss]

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.”

"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell
over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

 

[John Larkin]

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic for an oil leak. The mechanic says "I'll be about a half hour, why don't you go down the street and get some ice cream in the meanwhile?" The penguin takes his advice and walks to the ice cream shop. As he's enjoying his cone, some of it spills down the front of him. In a bit he returns to the garage and asks "so how is my car?" The mechanic responds, "It looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies, "No, it's just a little ice cream".

 

[deezdad]

What do ya call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flame thrower

 

[buickruss]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis".

 

[turbo nasty]

Stolen from Cudy.....

Pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.

He ventures up to the bar and the bartender asked, "Captain...Whats goin on with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?"

Pirate responds,"ARRRRR.....I dont know...but its drivin me nutz!"


LMBO

 

[aminga]

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
__________________

 

[charlief1]

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, not realizing that the Lone Ranger had disguised himself as a wall, filled the crack.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, not realizing that the Lone Ranger had disguised himself as a door, shot the knob off to gain entry.

 

[SS502]

A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR ..AND THE BARTENDER SAYS ...."HEY WHY THE LONG FACE"

 

[SS502]

YOU GOT A MATCH?... YEAH, MY ASS YOUR FACE.

 

[SS502]

GOT A LIGHT? .. I AM THE LIGHT, IT'S FIRE YOU SEEK.

 

[regan j]

Man opens a husband store. 6 floors, enter on 1 and exit on floor husband purchased on, no window shopping.
1st floor- men who like Mother in laws. woman likes the store and wants more.
2nd floor- men who are handsome as well. woman wants more.
3rd floor- men who are rich as well. woman wants more.
4th floor- men who are good in bed as well. woman wants more.
5th floor-men who help with housework. woman is pleased and will find the perfect man on the last floor.
6th floor-empty floor! sign by the exit door says "Please exit, the perfect man does not exist and a woman will never be satisfied. Thank You for shopping.


so that the man does not get sued, he opens a Wife store. Same description as above.
1st floor-women that like to cook.
2nd floor- women that are good in bed as well
3rd floor- no one has ever visited the 3rd floor.


Ladies, please feel free to change this around to tell your friends to show the perfect woman does not exist and a man will never be satisfied.

 

[rmar]

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.​

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills​

And that is when the fight started.​

!​

I am still looking for a place to live.​

 

[turbo nasty]

Lady had to chose from 3 guys to marry........2 tall guys and one short guy
So she lined them up for a race on a round track and who ever won she would marry.
Short guy is sweating it bad.
They fire the starter pistol...Tall guys run off and leave ole shorty he was running with everything he had but couldnt keep up
At the first turn shortys pants fell to his ankles and his pecker swung to his knees

The bride to be yelled........CUT ACROSS SHORTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[turbofabricator]

A dog runs into a bar and hops up on a bar stool.
The bar tender says. "Hey...Mutt.....we don't serve your type here!!"
The dog just sits there not moving...
The bar keep walks back up and says "Hey!.....Mutt....I told you to leave!!
The dog just sits there.......
The Bar keep is gettin MAD and YELLS "Hey!! I siad we don't serve your type in here! so you better get outta here or I'm gonna SHOOT you!!!
The dog just sits there not moving....
The bar tender pulls out a gun and POW! shoots the dog in the leg.
The dog YELPS! and flys off the stool and limps outta the bar.
.....
.....
.....
.....
......
.....
......
Four weeks later.......the doors to the bar FLY open and there stands the dog, wearing black leather chaps, black leather vest, and a big black hat with two .45's hangin' off his holster.......
....
....
He survays the bar and says......"I'm lookin' for the one who shot my PAW!"

 

[XXQUICK6XX]

 

[rev. 3:11]

Divorce court judge to Mickey Mouse:
" Mr. Mouse, I can't gran t you a divorce simply because you think Minny is a little crazy!
Mickey Mouse to judge:
" I didn't say she was crazy...
I said she was f*ckin' Goofy!"

 

[rev. 3:11]

Ok, one more...
BB's birthday was coming up & his old lady wanted to surprise him, so she had his name tattooed somewhere on her
on his birthday BB 's old lady pampered him and made him dinner and all that but BB had yet to get his present
"Be patient!" she assured BB
finally as the night was wearing down, it was time for the surprise!
BB's old lady, dressed in a sexy, sexy nighty did a little dance and then stripped own , bent over & showed BB her
rear-end, where she had placed BB's name on her bottom.
"WOW!" said BB "that's great, baby!
But who the hell is BOB?"


(give it a minute)