douglas adams hitch hikers guide to the galaxy
these are coming off the top of my head, so i dont remember them word for word:
"It is said that the population of the Universe is none. How can this be you ask? Well, if you give me a moment I will explain. The Universe, as we all know goes on forever, or goes on for an infinite amount of time. The number of planets with a population is a finite number. So a finite number, over an infinite number is almost zero, so it is said that the population of the Universe is, None. "
"There is a trick, rather a knack to flying; it is to throw yourself at the ground, and miss."
"Anything that happens, happens.
Anything that in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.
It doesn’t necessarily do it in chronological order though."
"The ‘Total Perspective Vortex’ is a machine created by a man named, Trin Tragula, he was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot. The Total Perspective Vortex made its victim see all of infinity at once, this would make the victim realize how utterly insignificant they were, and cause him and his soul to be destroyed. He built it, just to annoy his wife."
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this sun at roughly 98 million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descendant life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think that the digital watch is a pretty neat idea."
"How to leave the Planet:
1.Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it is very important that you get away as soon as possible
2.If they do not cooperate, phone any friend that you may have in the white house.-(202) 456-1414- to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA
3.If you don’t have any friends at the White House. Phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least none to speak of). but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try
4.If that also fails, phone the pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather that his switchboard is infallible
5.If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and tell them that it is urgent that you leave before you phone bill arrives"
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bazaar and inexplicable.
There is another which states that this has already happened."
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and that I'm therefore excused from saving universes."
heh, man i love those
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